why i cry during sunsets ☼
there is a reason i cry during sunsets.
in this essay, i will write them out to you in three parts:
part i
sometimes i scorn at the fact that i no longer know (like my ancestors did) how to travel by starlit constellations or understand the Sun or Moon transits just by observing them. i become frustrated at the same plethora of culprits; capitalism, colonization and social media. today, while i was reading Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World, an incredible book by Tyson Yunkaporta, an Aboriginal Australian writer from Queensland (where my family immigrated to and i was born), i had to ask myself this question: is there not space still, to learn?
how long can i look at the stars, the Moon, the Sun without dividing my attention? how long can i pay attention to the sky without acting upon the impulse to tap into the digital constellations within my phone?
one day while i was working out with my friend and personal trainer Landyn, they told me about a moment that they were watching a sunset, were moved by it, and thought of me. i was touched! my eyes welled up with tears because i was grateful that Landyn experienced that miraculous feeling of gratitude and then decided to make a connection and share it with me. isn’t that part of the beauty of experiencing life fully; the fact that we can share it with each other and create constellations of our own?
in ways, i do know how to read the Sun, the Moon, and the stars’ movements by following them with feeling. my ancestors live within me, whispering their pearls of wisdom, allowing me to translate them through my lived experience, through the glimmer of my eye. and through each time i encounter a cloud formation, a moonrise, or a shooting star. i have cried during so many sunsets, almost blinding myself from staring at the Sun (don’t do this lol) with such intensity, traveling the distance just to sit on top of a hill and marvel at this miracle that happens perpetually in the sphere of time. no matter what time it is where you are, somebody is watching a sunrise or a sunset somewhere in the world, and that in itself makes me weep.
part ii
tw: mentions of violence/abuse
a sunset i remember extremely vividly is one that i experienced in Cairns, Queensland. i was with my first love, who had come to Australia to visit me for three months. we had taken acid (one of our favourite things to do together which i honestly do not advise because you will be spiritually entwined for LIFE which makes separation very difficult!!!) together and were roaming around the tropical coastline, wooed by the mangroves and wow-ing at the huge blue monarch butterflies that were migrating from one lush rainforest to the next. our relationship was going through a rough patch and at this point, he had started to become violent with me. i didn’t know how to escape, so in many ways doing acid together felt like our safe space, our retreat, and a place for our inner children and spirits to reunite into a simpler state of being.
we were coming down from our trip after a full day of roaming around the rainforest, literally hugging the trees, watching a group of Chinese tourists gasp at the beauty of the botanical wonders that were surrounding them for the first time, and seeing a local community of Aboriginal people sharing stories and cooking food in the park. we had walked to the beach, he was being playful, jumping in the puddles that were left by the brief tropical rain showers, and i was walking where Ocean meets the Sand, feeling at peace.
i looked into the distance and noticed that the Sun had began to set. it was pink and blue and yellow, and as time began to dissolve, i found myself in a trance. i started coupling parallels in my mind, noticing the change of each shade and movement of each cloud, and realizing that the sun was passing me by, being perceived as a sunrise in a different part of the world, being witnessed and adored and documented by humans and birds and trees. like all beautiful things, the sunset passed and i knew that just like this beautiful and terrifying relationship, that you cannot grasp onto beauty because you have no ownership or control of its passing. i took no photographs and did not feel the need to document the imagery of the moment. ironically, it is the most vivid sunset i can recall in my lifetime so far.
my first love looked at me and was surprised to see that tears were streaming down my face. this is when i knew that our relationship had to end.
part iii:
in a time where much of our pleasures are shifting and being re-oriented and redefined, i find that there is a simplification in the convolution of existence. things are becoming clearer amidst the chaos. we are becoming increasingly aware of the individualistic, capitalistic, and egotistical conditions that were born out of systems that have proven to be harmful and unsustainable. we are part of a totally different system, the natural order of togetherness and interconnectedness of life on Earth. i believe we must return to it in order to destroy the systems that destroy us.
sunsets are moments of such miraculous beauty, not bought/produced from a place of scarcity. sunsets teach me infinitely about abundance. the beauty of this abundance is ongoing, ever-changing, and eternal in memory. love is not fixed and therefore cannot be contained or possessed, but with deep gratitude, all i can do is cry, remember, and anticipate the sunset’s return in new and transcendent forms. i see new hues in every single one.
i hope, that as we take precautions, and take care of each other by staying inside, that you are getting to know yourself intimately and without fear. i hope that even as you miss and yearn for all the pleasures that you once indulged in, that every now and then you can look outside the window and see the celestial wisdom of a sunset.
PROMPTS FOR YOUR REFLECTION
MUSIC TO WRITE TO
the following mix that i’m sharing is deeply intimate. i made this as a release of my most recent love which held a deep significance to me. in ways it feels like i am waving that relationship off into the sunset.