Moments In Love

As I Turn 27

today i turn 27. today also holds the Super Flower Blood Moon in Sagittarius (my moon is also in Sagittarius) and lunar eclipse. the energy feels static and intense, and it is a vital time to release and let go of all the things that have hurt you before.

birthdays and anniversaries bring up a lot of pressure and anxiety, and they also invite much self-reflection and renewal. yesterday i was in conversation with my good friend Brinda (@brindanotbrenda) and they said something poignant that made me want to cry. i had asked them what makes them feel beautiful in their body, and they responded by saying, “i feel beautiful when i witness moments of love.”

i can’t stop thinking about what they said, and at sunset, on my daily walk around the neighbourhood, i started to notice all the moments in love around me. i saw a couple kissing on the back of a truck, and a little boy engrossed by a miniature world he had built on the Earth. i saw an older gentleman taking a nap in the sun, and i saw flowers that had been dormant the week before, blooming into life. there is this one rose bush that i walk past most days and secretly call the “mum” bush, because there is always only one flower in bloom at a time and it always reminds me of the resilience of my mother. every time i see it i send her a picture, and yesterday i felt so blessed to see that the entire rose bush was in bloom. i think about my sweet neighbour Hollie Bee who is only two years old and is so perceptive and sensitive to the moments in love that surround her. one day she left me a little orange flower on my stoop, and to thank her i bought her a teddy bear and we shared a Filipino dinner in her family’s warm and cozy home.

the past year has been rattled with pain and violence and grief. we have witnessed death and violence and fascism in plain view. we have endured intense personal feelings of loneliness, isolation and depression. we have experienced immense loss. a year ago, i was feeling worthless and on the brink of self-destruction, and i had placed all of my self-worth into the arms of another person. i came to the stark realisation that i was in deep pain, and that i had depended on unhealthy coping mechanisms, external and material validation, and institutional standards to determine my liveliness. a year ago, i had to come to the realisation that everything that i had normalised in my life was in fact not normal, and that i didn’t really know anything at all. i certainly did not know myself.

a year on and there have been many challenges and difficult lessons. i went through a separation that felt monumental because it shed a light on all of my previous romantic relationships and ideas of love. i moved five times across the country and back without really wanting or expecting to. i lost my grandfather and miss him so much. i lost some friends and committed to nourishing relationships with my cherished chosen family. i read books and crocheted which were some of the most grounding moments in my spirit. my career took a turn that i never believed would happen. i got my green card. and i relearned love.

as sweet as it might be to recall all the lessons i’ve learned/accomplishments i’ve made in the past year, i don’t want to fall again into the trap of determining my worth based on what i have done or who has seen me. instead, i want to recall what i have felt inherently connected to and all that i have been moved by. i think about the moments in love. i think about crying under a full moon with my friend fatima during one of the darkest times in my life. i remember the hummingbird that would hover outside of my window for weeks on end. i remember the comrade britney movement that was unexpectedly sparked by a passage i had written. i remember reading robin wall kimmerer’s braiding sweetgrass alone in bed and weeping upon learning that yellow and purple flowers naturally bloom next to each other because of the natural “laws” of attraction. i remember listening to beverly glenn-copeland on long drives through dense forests and trees. i remember dancing in parks with my friends while socially distanced to celebrate my greencard. i remember learning how to celebrate and forgive myself. i remember every sunset. i remember wanting to live.

i’ve been doing this for a long time, this act of writing. for the first time this year i learned how to celebrate myself and absorb and receive blessings. i learned that receiving can sometimes be even more challenging than giving. this year i learned how utterly deserving i am, and i recall with tears in my eyes how i have been writing this newsletter for three years now, and how so many of you have accompanied me in this intensive, transformative, moving life. i will always believe that we are all intrinsically, delicately and spiritually connected, and because of this firm belief, celebrating my life is also celebrating yours. being grateful for my life is also being grateful for yours. i want to take the time to thank you for accompanying me on this very moment in love, and i am so excited for you to read the book that i’ve been writing and dedicating my time, energy and love to. i love you all in many different ways.

as i was writing this newsletter, i started thinking about my grandfather who passed in august of last year. i was listening to a franz liszt’s composition ‘consolations no. 3' and thought about how my grandfather introduced me to classical music. he was always so kind and sat by me while i played the piano. my father would always punish me when i made mistakes, and my grandfather would be the one to encourage me and tell me that playing music wasn’t about being perfect; it was about feeling. my grandfather walked me to school every day when i was a child, and he taught me what it means to be actively anti-racist and queer. when i heard the news a year ago, i wasn’t able to process or accept this reality. i started weeping while writing this newsletter, and could not help but feel that my birth is intrinsically connected to both his birth and his passing. as i wept and wept and felt the grief rise through my body, i also felt the love create a warm and loving embrace. he is everywhere around me. he is in the budding roses and the bird song and the cacti and the butterflies. this is a moment in love, and he is right here with me, experiencing it on my 27th birth.

screenshot from moomin by tove jansson. though medicine, especially plant-based medicine, is a form of love too.

PROMPT

1. RECALL FIVE MOMENTS IN LOVE FROM THE PAST YEAR

PLAYLIST

27 songs that have accompanied me during some beautiful moments in love in the past year of my life, enjoy: