Have you met yourself again? ⁕

The reunion of our multitudes.

In a few days, I am leaving the home I’ve been staying in (for six months) and moving far away. As I prepare myself for this new transition, I find myself feeling melancholic on the cloudy mornings and grateful on the days where the Sun peaks through.

I am a triple mutable sign; Gemini Sun, Sagittarius Moon, and Virgo Rising. For those who do not follow astrology, allow me to translate: it is extremely easy for me to adapt to change. I am used to the process of adapting and rearranging, of grieving former ways of life, of moving across Oceans to nest in new homes.

However, I am getting to a stage in my life where even though I am skillful at adapting to change, I do not necessarily seek it. They come to me as life comes to me. The inevitable changes that we are experiencing collectively and inter-connectedly are beyond our control, but my desire to spontaneously “switch it up” in my personal life seems to be dimming. I want to root myself deep into the Earth, I want to be still, build a library, a record collection, a home. As we in the Northern hemisphere are in the season of hibernation, I think a lot about how this is a time for roots to be grounded in the soil, to think about what home means to us, to allow all our magic to be done underground, in stillness and in rest. Now that I move forward with that intention, I must look at the roots that reside deep within me. How have they grown?

photo of heart mushrooms, sourced from flickr

I recall the last six months in this wonderful home and I think, with warmth and gratitude, of all the times I met myself again. I’ve been housesitting/plant-sitting for some friends, and I was experiencing living alone for the first time. I was so nervous at first, scared to be alone with my thoughts, terrified of the spaciousness that I have never been taught to fill…but my intuition knew I needed it.

Months before, I was in a deeply co-dependent relationship, I did not believe in the gravity of my own existence, and the thought of being truly alone made me panic. When I found myself in brief moments of “isolation”, I shrank in the spaces I was in. I neglected my mental health as all former ideas of “normalcy” dissolved. I (like many people) could barely answer the question, “Who Am I?” anymore. Our vices were gone, what we were once dependent on seemed unsustainable, shaky, or unsafe, and we were presented with selves in a new dimension. In the last few months, I have learned that there are many, many answers to that eternal question and that there always will be.

During my time alone, I met myself again. I was shy at first, not even realizing when it was happening. I have a tendency to forget that my relationship with myself is just as in need of nourishment as my friends/family/lovers. I will be with me for the duration of my “forever”. I had to describe it, it felt like the beginnings of falling in love with someone, noticing their quirks, their habits, actually listening intently to their thoughts and feelings, exploring their childhood with them, assuring their safety. Imagine doing this with yourself. 

photo of a nudibranch kiss, sourced from tumblr

I have had miraculous moments where I was able to meet (again) my many dimensions. I met my inner child by feeling comfortable enough to openly weep, I listened and danced to Cantonese pop that my ma would play, I talked to myself a lot. There are invisible threads that tether us to all our past selves, and they allow all our memories to play out simultaneously, crystallizing into beautiful moments of self-remembrance; both familiar and new at the same time.

I met my shadows and my heartbreak; all converging with each other by generously sharing lessons I have learned in love. I met them sometimes with horror and disgust and had to learn the extremely difficult task of forgiving myself for having flaws and self-destructive habits. I met versions of myself that were neglected by me, pushed to the side by my own punitive gaze. 

Each moment conjured feelings that felt spiritually familiar…I listened to songs long unheard with words I still remember, I found presence in the notes of a dusty keyboard, I remembered my own clumsy body, in heartbreak, in dissociation, in movement. I gravitated finally, not to outward chaos, but toward calming the storms that have rippled through me for years. Tending to them, paying attention, and nourishing the multitudes I had abandoned and flattened over time.

So as I prepare to depart this incubator of healing, this place that came to me in faith and by chance, I can only think fondly of the ways that this space allowed me to see my own bounty. I am not so afraid of change because I can take it with me, knowing also now of what I seek for my multi-dimensional selves, my body, and my spirit. Meeting myself allowed me to see my loving spaciousness. I learned that I can continuously expand, that I can actually be millions of things at once, of how all of my past, present, and future selves merge into moments in time. When I truly pay attention, I can love all of them at once. 

PROMPTS FOR YOUR REFLECTION

1. HOW AND WHEN HAVE I MET MYSELF AGAIN? AWAY FROM THE SCREEN? READING A BOOK? LISTENING TO A SONG? RECALL A TIME YOU MET YOURSELF AGAIN, WHERE IT FELT FAMILIAR AND NEW AT THE SAME TIME.

2. WHAT IS A MEMORY FROM YOUR PAST THAT MAKES YOU FEEL CLOSER TO YOURSELF? CAN YOU REMEMBER THE WEATHER, THE EXACT FEELINGS AND SENSATIONS YOU EMBODIED?

3. WHAT LITTLE THINGS CAN YOU DO TO RECONNECT WITH PARTS OF YOURSELF THAT YOU STILL REMEMBER?

PLAYLIST

i invite you to write/reflect to this playlist i made for tending to your own garden. these songs allow me to meet myself again, and remind me to tend to the spiritual gardens of my heart.